I feel a bit upside down. I am reminded again today just how many things I do NOT have control over. I have this idea in my mind that I’m pro-change. That I like change and can role with it. And to an extent, that’s been relatively true in more recent years. My past was a different story.
But I got some upcoming-change news today that really bummed me out and left me in an emotional funk. And so I find myself here again at that same crossroads, where I know that I need to surrender yet another change to Him.
John Eldredge’s prayer comes to mind right now—“God, I surrender everyone and everyTHING to you.”
Yah, I know that stillness is the eventual route I will need to pursue once I’m ready. I KNOW that when I choose to sit quietly in His presence that I will get to the peace and perspective that I need. But for now, I’m sitting in an emotional swirl of ambivalence. I feel grief and disappointment about how this change will affect my life.
But I’ve realized something over the years: Change is often the avenue that the Father uses to show up in new ways in my life. To facilitate new paradigm shifts and propel me into new–and GOOD things.
I feel like the path of my life over the years has in essence been a journey of surrender. I keep coming back to this place of surrender again and again….and again. Sometimes I can see or sense change coming. This one took me by surprise. I had envisioned the train going one direction, and now the train-tracks have split and the train has jerked into the opposite direction.
And I’m not really sure where that leaves me.
I’m always REALLY good at imagining the way that things will play out in the future. And so it’s not just about an unexpected change; it’s really about a death to a made-up dream. And that’s okay. I don’t have to like it. I can be real about the way that I feel and still trust God at the same time, knowing that eventually this will all work out for my benefit. But I can’t see it yet.
My spirit knows it’s all good. It’s my soul that is wrestling it out.
It’s just disillusionment, really, so it’s okay that it has to die. And I like this quote about the process of letting illusions go:
“Dying to an illusion is the way into truth. I’ve learned to embrace disillusionment cause it just shows me that I had an illusion that needed to be dissed.”—John Thomas (Streams Ministries)
Diss away, God.
“Let each thing fall away that isn’t of your making. I trust your building process. I trust your vision and blueprint for my life.”
My emotions will line up eventually.
“Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” (Psalm 127:1)