I’m finally breaking up with you. I thought our time together was going to be more about climbing and conquering mountains, about increasing in new flavors of sonship mastery. But in retrospect I see that we spent more time in the valleys and in pressure-crunched times of learning. I don’t hate you though. I am actually really thankful as I look back over our time together, no matter how painful it turned out to be.
You really were a good teacher. You helped facilitate a lot of epiphanies for me during our year together. Regarding spiritual revelation, you helped me realize that I could walk through an extensive season of moving, packing, house-hunting, furniture selling, and city warring just by myself in partnership with God.
Without any horizontal support.
You helped me discover that I could leverage a more tightly-knit vertical synchronization with heaven instead in order to get through all of the looming unknowns and financial crises.
You were a faithful witness to my every sleepless night and shed tear. And you gave me a song and a biblical metaphor to get me through a really tricky season, which proved to be really all the principle and revelation that I needed to walk it out.
You also brought me a ton of clarity throughout the year about how to recognize my own sheep and God-given assignments, as well as how to hone my specific calling so that I could maximize my time and kingdom ROI.
You taught me how to partner with musical revelation and downloads. You encouraged me in my efforts to move my family into more of God’s principles and promised land. And you taught me how to segue smoother between the various mothering and fathering life-giving dances in my world.
You taught me that I was both stronger and weaker than I knew. Weaker in the many unresolved areas of pain that I didn’t realize were there. Stronger in my ability to vanquish any foe or trigger, both new or old.
Learning that as long as I clung tightly to the Father, I could push into any territory to destroy its lingering giants.
And you taught me bold new ways of interacting with the spiritual realm, with land dynamics, and with using my authority in order to set boundaries to protect time, space, and community work.
Regarding soul issues, you brought me a bunch of new tools. You taught me how to be both brave and kind while offering honest feedback—even to people in authority. You cheered me on as I learned how to move past the enforcing of my physical and time boundaries, and move onto the enforcing of my emotional ones. And you helped me navigate the transitional nuances involved in ending certain seasons of housing, community, and relationships well.
You taught me the valuable lesson of how to entrust my reputation to God when people misjudged, devalued, or got angry with me. And boy did I get a lot of repeated practice in this area. You held my hand tightly in support when I began to stop playing other people’s emotional games and change some deeply-entrenched patterns.
And you gave me tons of coaching along the way as I learned how to navigate a person’s heart with integrity without also feeding their false-legitimacy addictions or heart’s idols.
It was terrifying at times to rock these relational boats, but you were right in saying that it was like working out a new muscle—and that it would get easier over time.
You helped me wake up to some uncomfortable relational issues in my own life. And you taught me that I didn’t have to be afraid of them or freeze-frame myself in any one place—as these realities were fluid and could still be changed.
You taught me the important principle of bringing things out from the shadows and into the light. And you championed me as I began to tell the secrets of my life—aka anything that I was holding inside because of fear, lies, or past belief systems.
You proved over and over that I was STILL loved, not rejected or abandoned, once I began to tell my secrets and my story. And you kept reminding me that my courage would spark a flame in others to do the same.
You often showed me how to be more emotionally present to my family and others. And you introduced me to new strategic friendships during our time together, as well as a few unexpected traveling adventures. These were definitely high points for me in an otherwise crazy-destabilizing year of trials and uncertainty.
I think you must have known I’d need something significant to savor so that I didn’t lose heart and give into the resignation cloud that loomed overhead.
You taught me much through these new friendships, including how to broaden my human synchronization so that the horizontal could complement the vertical. And I definitely recognized your vote of confidence as you purposefully threw me into new communities and told me just to be myself. Again and again, I’d ask you for more training and help, but you’d just tell me that I’d figure it out along the way.
And I did.
You brought me new body understanding too. You helped me learn to trust myself more—in any and all situations. You taught me how to listen to my body cues and interpret them. You showed me how to recognize misalignment in a variety of dynamics and then come in the opposite spirit in order to self-regulate and rectify the imbalances. And you drilled down on how important it really was to recognize my own needs and then move past the knowledge to my actual self-advocacy with others.
And my favorite takeaway from the entire year was when you taught me how to put self-judgment to death and learn the language of self-compassion instead.
To conclude, you were right. You told me it was going to be a year of manifesting sonship together, but I admit that how I initially envisioned that was massively different from how it played out.
Still…I see the netted growth. I see your intentionality in helping me heal and refine certain places. I see your kindness in moving me towards more self-care practices than I would have pursued on my own. And I see that instead of mastery, you led me into much more mystery. And I will forever be grateful for that mystery…
So thank you, for all of it.
For all of the pain and all of the beauty.
Your time in my life has now come to a close but I will forever remember you.